And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

So I've been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend. He's such an ass sometimes, it drives me crazy.
On a better note, I've been good so far today, I'm gonna fast today, maybe tomorrow. I want to lose 15 lbs this month. I need to. I need to get back on track. according to losertown, if I eat 500 calories a day I will be 136lbs by march 28th.

I'm so weak. I'm so stressed out lately so I've been stuffing my face every chance I get. I wish I was one of those people who can't eat when they're upset or stressed and lose a lot of weight, but I'm the opposite, I eat eat eat and get fatter. FML.

Today is a new day, think skinny lovers xo

Ugh

So I've been bingeing again, no purging though.But I need to stop, haven't stepped on the scale but my boyfriend mentioned that I looked bigger last night. Ugh I think I was in denial, telling myself I don't look any bigger but obviously I do. I really need to get my shit together. I've had 80 cals today. Gonna keep it as low as possible.

Stay strong ladies, stronger than I am xo

Empty

I ate normally for a few days, fuck that I felt huge. I was 154 yesterday, still wayy to high. I need to motivate myself so if I get into the 140's and stay there for a week I'm going to buy a tanning package, I love tanning. I'm pale as fuckk right now and I look horrible. I'm not one of those girls that look good pale, I look like I'm dragged out and tired all the time, zombie like.

I went to my parents yesterday and I don't know why but they love to make me eat, even though I'm huge. I'm so weak, I gave in, then of course I couldn't stop. So on my way home I stopped into a store, rented a movie, and got 2 bags of chips, cookies, cheesies and diet pepsi. I purged it all. I hate purging but when it comes back I find it so hard to stop. I wish I was strong enough to just not eat but I'm so weak. After I purge I feel so calm and better. Empty.

I haven't had anything to eat today and I plan on keeping it that way. I need a fasting day. I'm gone to catch up on the blogs I follow.

Skinny thoughts lovas xo

Good

I was good again today, ate 500 calories total and I'm eating some watermelon now so I'll end the day with around 600 calories. Not bad. Tomorrow I may go up to 700 then 500 the next and then a fast.

I was 155 this morning, one lb down but 5 away from where I was. One day at a time. I'm motivated to get back where I was. I was looking at pictures of myself from not that long ago and all I kept thinking is how the fuck did I end up here ugh. It is what it is and it will get better.

I believe in thin ! Skinny thoughts lovas xo

Finally

Finally a good day. Finally I feel empty again. I missed this feeling.
I had 390 calories for the day. I will be strong again tomorrow, I can do it.

Skinny thoughts everyone xx
I'm going to weight myself in the morning, update then

I cannot wait until I can post my before and after pictures -_-

Fuck me

156.

Fuckkkkk. Can't stop bingring.

Starting tomorrow 500 cal diet. That's it. If I eat any more than that I'll purge it.

Time to get real here.

Skinny thoughtss xx

Update

Still here, still doing shit. Eating has been shit, work has been shit.

Anyways I got a new treadmill, back on track tomorrow, debating whether to do SGD or ABC diet.
I haveee to do something.

Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck mee. I have no fucking self control. Have been bingeing/ purging and bingeing and not purging since my last post. I couldn't eve bring myself to write. I'm so irritated with myself. Can't bring myself to step on the scale.

Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow I will be empty and getting closer to my goal. I hope everyone is doing better than me.

Skinny thoughts xx

Crapppp

So I was 150 again today. I was planning on fasting but one of my friends was pissing me off and for the first time in months I ate fast food and more junk and purged it. Ughh I thought I was past this phase. But I ate about 1500 calories give or take, all at once at my other friends house and we were going to hang out more but I made an excuse and came home right away. Once I was done I felt so much better. Empty again, well mostly.
I weighed myself after and I was 148, hmm maybe it will be there again tomorrow, I can only hope.

I feel like crap for it. Oh my well that was my shitty day. I hope everyone else is doing better than me. Skinny thoughts xo

Piggy

No, I didn't binge but I ate 995 cals and I feel bad about it, even though I said 1000 max. The 995 is with rounding up from the resteraunt, I had chicken fajitas, a little bit of fat free sour cream, salsa and didn't use much of the cheese and didn't eat the side or all of it.

I was proud of myself though because my friends were trying to push their appetizers on me and desserts but I said no, I was good. What's the big deal if your friend doesn't want to eat complete crap, jesus. Then I hate two 100 calorie cookie packs because I wanted today to be a high day even though I felt crappy doing it.

150 lbs again today. Come on 140's ! If it's not 149 tomorrow I'm going to fast for the day.

I can't wait til there's a visible change in my body, then I will post some progress pics, but there's no way in hell I will post my current alone, they're horribleee.

Oh and I have two followers ! yayy :)

skinny thoughts xo

Almost

So I said I was going to do a low day yesterday but I ended up doing a high day 982 in total. Still under 1000 so I'm ok with that. I was planning on hanging out with two of my best friends today but got called into work at 7 ughhh.


Good thing is that I worked a 12 hr shift and could only eat on breaks, never took any money and only packed a frozen dinner (240) two yogurts (60) two 100 cal pack of cookies and some gum (60) for the pack. Total for the day 560 calories. 


Tomorrow I might do a high day again 1000 cals max. I'm planning on going out looking at dresses with my friends for a party we're going to on Friday. Ugh mirrors in the mall always make me feel like crappp but I've been blowing them off a lot lately. It seems like all they ever want to do is go out to eat. I just don't want to do that multiple times a week. For one that fast food isn't going to get me to my goal and two my bank account can't handle it. But we are going to get some dinner tomorrow but I'm going to try to persuade them to let me pick where and get the lowest cal thing on the menu. 


150 this morning, so close to 140's. There's no way I'm gonna fuck it up now. Oddly enough I haven't had any cravings, or felt hungry. My stomach was growling earlier but I just drank some water and diet coke and I was fine. 


I'm off now to read up on some of the blogs I follow, skinny thought xx

Strange

So strangely enough this time around I'm finding that I'm not hungry. I'm usually always hungry, oh well I won't complain. I set a rule to start out at around 1000 calories a day and when I stop losing move it down a bit. But I just can't eat that much lately, yesterday I had 790 calories in total but that was by making myself eat supper. I didn't want it at all. I wanted to start out higher because if I start out so low I won't have anywhere to go once I plateau. I'm going to do a low day today like 400-500 then do a high day tomorrow 1000 tops. 


I'm going out to see about joining a gym with my cousin soon. I need to do some cardio and want to do something with weights to lift my ass haha. I don't have anything happening up top boob wise ( yes I'm the fat girl with little boobs fml) so I might as well make my ass look nice. Any suggestions?


This morning the scale said 153, getting there. I can't wait to be in the 140's, feels like a lifetime since I've been there. That's it for now. Skinny thoughts. xo

Here we go again

I've been on blogger before but can't remember my old password, or even username for that matter. Oh well I like staying anonymous anyways. This is my blog I am going to write what I want and if you don't like it don't read it, simple enough.

To get to the point I have very disordered eating. I restrict calories, get to a weight I'm comfortable with, then binge until I'm not happy again. I don't want this to be the case anymore, I want to get to my goal weight and I'm going to stay there.

I'm going to get there however I want and don't want to get shit on about it. This time last year I was 132 lbs, not where I wanted to be but the lowest I was since I can remember. So I got comfortable, people were telling me I looked great and all that good shit and when I weighed myself last week I was 160lbs. On a 5'3 frame that is unacceptable.

So I tried the eating healthy bullshit but of course I have no willpower with so much freedom, I find it easier to restrict so that's where I am now. Yesterday I was 158lbs, ate 560 cals and this morning I was 154. I don't know if that's even possible but that's what my scale said. Tomorrow I'm hoping for lower.

My plan right now is to start at lower than 1000 calories and work on it from there. I want to get back to 132  then my final goal is 110lbs. Right now I'm working towards 145.

So that's it for today.